Without You

I walk without flinching through the burning cathedral of the summer. My bank of wild grass is majestic and full of music. It is a fire that solitude presses against my lips. ~Violette Leduc, Mad in Pursuit

This year has been so good and, so tough.  I’ve been through some serious ups and downs. Jan-Feb was slightly catastrophic. “Slightly,” funny choice  of words to join with “catastrophic.” Two thousand sixteen, has been a year of too much thinking. Life and death are always, very present in my thoughts.

Earlier this year I had a nightmare that shook me, shook me in that way that made me believe with every fiber that it was real. That was, the terrifying part. In the dream, I stood naked. My fat rolls exposed, my unmade face and pure fear/pain and anguish showing. I dreamt, I stood completely exposed in that pitch black room with nothing but a spotlight shrouding me with it’s yellow light.

Shaking, more like.. convulsing uncontrollably I stood the best I could. I had wet myself numerous times. I was afraid like never before. Positive the lashing would happen again. Wet, cold and aware that this was forever. I think about death and, I know the green hills of the summerlands are not for me. There are days I try to figure out what I did to earn this life and, death. And, there are the days I just accept the reality.

Despite my numerous aches/pains/fears and health problems, I realize it can and most likely will be much worse. Much worse. And, I am grateful for this aching bag of bones and the days of flares, bleeding and hurt. Life’s pain is not like what waits for me on the other side. Oh and, hello again friend. I’ve been lost without you.

Advertisements

Wedding Day

the mermaid

This photo was taken in the “shrine” area next to the large golden Buddha at The Mermaid Emporium. Anchorage, Alaska. Taken in October, of 2015.

“I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance,
A church filled with family and friends.
I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for,
He said one that would make me his wife.”
~Author Unknown

It’s today friends! Wish us luck!? 🙂 Blessings to all! ❤

Fresh

roses

Cream colored roses and other greenery. In a bouquet, at the local market. Taken in November, 2015.

“Tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it.”
~L.M. Montgomery

Catatonic

porki laying down

He does this. Sometimes, he looks dead. He’s not. He just gets moody sometimes.

This morning has been ultra rough. I was cleaning up after cooking breakfast and I just lost it. My apartment is a dump, and no matter how much I clean the old linoleum kitchen floor it looks dirty. In fact, dirt actually comes out of the seams of the flooring and I just had a meltdown.

Actually, calling it a meltdown is putting it mildly. I became seriously afraid for myself. I called out and put myself to bed.

Now that my mind is a little clearer, I remembered something that came to mind before. Most of my “crazy” was fixed without medication but, by simply being put on birth control – the Mirena IUD.

My Mirena implant was removed in August of this year, and my emotional/mental state has seriously degenerated.

I use the Period Tracker app on my phone, and with my notes it has predicted that I will have 3 menstrual cycles this month. The past couple of months, I’ve had two a month. Bleeding, I am bleeding constantly and with the bleeding there are serious cramps. Cramps are so terrible, I have diarrhea throughout the day like non-stop.

Friday, I did call my OBGYN’s office and I am still waiting to hear when I can get the implant that goes into my arm placed. She told me in the first phone call, there might not be any availability until next year.

I don’t know if I can make it that long.

It’s Not Working

white orchid

Close up of a large white orchid J pointed out to me at the market. It has a pink and yellow center.

This me helping myself thing, it’s not working anymore and I am not sure what steps to take. If I go back to care through the hospital they will put me on a whole bunch of medications again, which don’t really help. Several trips a month will be required to see doctors, have my blood tested for medication levels and the only real action any of them will take will be to document everything I say or do. I’ll be available less for work, and with my position that means I will most likely lose my job. Without my job, we will be seriously hurt financially. What am I supposed to do?

I shouldn’t write any of this but, I need to let it go.

 

Down in the Dumps

paper recycling

The paper recycling plant. November of 2015.

This photograph is not of the dump, or even taken by me. J took it, and honestly I don’t know if I can rightfully use it but.. when I look at the contrast in the beautiful sunrise sky and a mound of paper waiting to be recycled, something stirs inside me.

The holidays, are upon us aren’t they? So how come, I am not in the spirit? I said a bunch of crazy shit in a post only a few of you liked and I realize it didn’t make any sense. So, what’s up? What’s going on? Why now?

I’m getting married. But, you are already married… I am sure you are thinking but, no not legally. We made promises etc and been together forever but now, we are making it legit. Everything has been falling apart since. I’m afraid and, I don’t have anything to wear.

With the loss of J’s father this summer and all this crazy important sh*t going on, it’s become crystal clear how many people I can call on in my life. It’s disheartening to say the least and, it’s nothing like what my eight year old mind came up with.

I realize this post is supposed to explain things and it won’t. Write off your expectations. I was eight, living in a kitchenette with my two sisters and my mother and her boyfriend. One of us had to sleep on a lawn chair. The summers were hot, and I drew a lot of “I ❤ Jesus” pictures.

And, that’s all I can think about since July. I’m a scary emotional mess.

Riches

colorful flowers

Vibrant green and purple flowers. Sent to J for his birthday, from his Mother. Birthday in October, photo taken in November of 2015.

Who is rich? He who rejoices in his portion. ~The Talmud

Longing

pink roses

A sweet bouquet of vibrant pink roses with baby’s breath.

“Aroused by spring, they are soft as cream…”
~Chao Luan-Luan

Connection

purple blooms

A plenty of purple blooms. It’s nothing but the end of November, flower magic.

“A connection to Spirit restores your confidence, relieves your anxiety, and frees you from the desire to control everything in your life.”
-Sonia Choquette

Please forgive my here and there appearances, I’ve been making a large effort to reconnect with my spirit and spiritual path. Blessings friends.

 

Meditation

yellow and green blooms

A quick snapshot of the flowers for sale, at the local market. November, 2015.

Today, I took some of the first steps returning to my spiritual path. It feels good, and Goddess knows I need it. Thank you Universe! ❤