Anger & Frustration

tarot card

Part of the Devil card from The Archeon Tarot Deck by Timothy Lantz.

“Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.”
~Eckhart Tolle

I’m in a lot of pain, and I’m tired. That’s a really bad combination. Throughout the years of journaling and trying to identify different triggers & patterns for my emotional/mental wellness, I discovered that not getting enough rest makes a HUGE difference in my condition. I would start by writing down, or speaking out loud things that bothered me and the sentences almost always started with “I’m sick & tired” or “I am so tired.” It finally dawned on me, that I should most likely stop whatever I’m doing (if I could) and just sleep if not rest. Showering is a big attitude changer as well. I am a clean person, don’t get me wrong but sometimes another shower can be the new start to the day that I needed.

I wish I could sleep or rest today.  I didn’t get any last night.  When I came home from work, I began to really feel how much pain I was in. Being a person with “spondy,” sometimes my hips feel disconnected. My legs spasm and I have terrible pains that radiate up and down my body. Everything hurts, it hurts to walk, it hurts to sit and, it hurts to lie down and do nothing. Sometimes, I can’t do anything.  Sometimes, I am sure I will need a wheelchair soon. Other days, I feel like I could run up and down a mountain singing the whole way. Today, is not that day.

My fuse gets short when I’m in pain. My whole outlook on life disintegrates. Emotional & mental breakdown often starts a chain reaction of events that affect my income, home life, social interactions. It’s kind of like a plane crashing out of nowhere. I want to rest, I want to sleep. I couldn’t sleep at all last night and it’s my “Friday” at work. My “Friday” is usually when I’ve hit my bs limit for the week. This is not a good combo.

I am going to try and be at peace. I will shield.  I will meditate and I will remember nothing is out of my control. I will not give anyone or any temporary situation power over me. Stay cool friends, I’m sure as hell going to try!

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