Without You

I walk without flinching through the burning cathedral of the summer. My bank of wild grass is majestic and full of music. It is a fire that solitude presses against my lips. ~Violette Leduc, Mad in Pursuit

This year has been so good and, so tough.  I’ve been through some serious ups and downs. Jan-Feb was slightly catastrophic. “Slightly,” funny choice  of words to join with “catastrophic.” Two thousand sixteen, has been a year of too much thinking. Life and death are always, very present in my thoughts.

Earlier this year I had a nightmare that shook me, shook me in that way that made me believe with every fiber that it was real. That was, the terrifying part. In the dream, I stood naked. My fat rolls exposed, my unmade face and pure fear/pain and anguish showing. I dreamt, I stood completely exposed in that pitch black room with nothing but a spotlight shrouding me with it’s yellow light.

Shaking, more like.. convulsing uncontrollably I stood the best I could. I had wet myself numerous times. I was afraid like never before. Positive the lashing would happen again. Wet, cold and aware that this was forever. I think about death and, I know the green hills of the summerlands are not for me. There are days I try to figure out what I did to earn this life and, death. And, there are the days I just accept the reality.

Despite my numerous aches/pains/fears and health problems, I realize it can and most likely will be much worse. Much worse. And, I am grateful for this aching bag of bones and the days of flares, bleeding and hurt. Life’s pain is not like what waits for me on the other side. Oh and, hello again friend. I’ve been lost without you.

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