Nothing Perfect

clover

Clover blossoms. Day 18, of September in the year of 2015.

“There is nothing perfect…only life.”
Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

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Disappearing

woods

Edited photo of local “woods.” September, 2015.

“I dislike the feel of this woods. Creatures that live in a unicorn’s forest learn a little magic of their own in time. Mainly concerned with disappearing.”
– Hunter, The Last Unicorn

Wounded

the woods

A walk in the woods. Autumn of 2015. September in Alaska.

“It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed.” ~Horace

The Autumnal

decaying plant

After the rain. First day of Autumn, 2015.

“No spring nor summer’s beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one Autumnal face….”
~John Donne, “Elegy IX: The Autumnal”

Caps

tree fungus

Tree fungus was plentiful on this day in September, 2015. In “the slide.” A hike in Earthquake Park, Alaska.

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” – Confucius

Rhythm of Life

yellow flower

The end is near, for these yellow beauties. September 11, 2015.

“Summer ends, and Autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night; and thus he would never know the rhythms that are at the heart of life.” – Hal Borland

The Rain is Gone

white flower in grass

A flower fallen in the grass. The city’s hanging baskets were removed from their posts along the street. September, 2015. Anchorage, Alaska

“I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.”
-Johnny Nash

I got my vision tested yesterday. I also got, my first pair of eyeglasses! My vision was tested in 2012, but I never filled my prescription. I always felt like, I could see you know? Words blurred at a distance, I couldn’t read menu boards or the cable guide but I managed.

I don’t know why I waited so long! Seeing is believing folks! The only thing that pushed me into getting glasses is that I need them to pass the eye test at the DMV, when I got in to get my drivers license.

I am nearsighted, and my vision in my right eye is worse than my left. My eyes were dilated and I’ve got to healthy peepers! My first pair of glasses are pretty basic. Family members recommended Eye Mart, and I got a great deal on a pair of plastic lenses in some cute black & pearl white frames.

Putting my glasses on and taking them off makes me dizzy at first. In fact, I’ve felt overwhelmed at times. Taking everything in, I’m seeing things I didn’t know I was missing. I haven’t stopped talking about it for the past two days. I see the world with brand new eyes. My whole outlook of the world has improved!

Today, we went to the woods for a hike and it was breathtaking. Seeing fall colors and the seasonal changes so vividly, was amazing. I can see all the leaves on the trees. Each leaf, each needle is defined. Words, I can read them all! Even the menu boards, I can read a sign across a large room.

I just want to finish with a line from a commercial that never failed to make me laugh, “my eyes – my special eyes!”

Someone Strange

clover

A purple clover flower sitting by my window sill. On the night of September 9th, 2015.

“Once, I can’t remember, I was long ago, someone strange. I was innocent and wise, and full of pain. Now that I’m a woman, everything has changed. Once, when I was searching, somewhere out of reach, far away, in a place I could not find, or heart obey. Now that I’m a woman, everything is strange.” – Unicorn from The Last Unicorn.

Anger & Frustration

tarot card

Part of the Devil card from The Archeon Tarot Deck by Timothy Lantz.

“Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.”
~Eckhart Tolle

I’m in a lot of pain, and I’m tired. That’s a really bad combination. Throughout the years of journaling and trying to identify different triggers & patterns for my emotional/mental wellness, I discovered that not getting enough rest makes a HUGE difference in my condition. I would start by writing down, or speaking out loud things that bothered me and the sentences almost always started with “I’m sick & tired” or “I am so tired.” It finally dawned on me, that I should most likely stop whatever I’m doing (if I could) and just sleep if not rest. Showering is a big attitude changer as well. I am a clean person, don’t get me wrong but sometimes another shower can be the new start to the day that I needed.

I wish I could sleep or rest today.  I didn’t get any last night.  When I came home from work, I began to really feel how much pain I was in. Being a person with “spondy,” sometimes my hips feel disconnected. My legs spasm and I have terrible pains that radiate up and down my body. Everything hurts, it hurts to walk, it hurts to sit and, it hurts to lie down and do nothing. Sometimes, I can’t do anything.  Sometimes, I am sure I will need a wheelchair soon. Other days, I feel like I could run up and down a mountain singing the whole way. Today, is not that day.

My fuse gets short when I’m in pain. My whole outlook on life disintegrates. Emotional & mental breakdown often starts a chain reaction of events that affect my income, home life, social interactions. It’s kind of like a plane crashing out of nowhere. I want to rest, I want to sleep. I couldn’t sleep at all last night and it’s my “Friday” at work. My “Friday” is usually when I’ve hit my bs limit for the week. This is not a good combo.

I am going to try and be at peace. I will shield.  I will meditate and I will remember nothing is out of my control. I will not give anyone or any temporary situation power over me. Stay cool friends, I’m sure as hell going to try!