Catatonic

porki laying down

He does this. Sometimes, he looks dead. He’s not. He just gets moody sometimes.

This morning has been ultra rough. I was cleaning up after cooking breakfast and I just lost it. My apartment is a dump, and no matter how much I clean the old linoleum kitchen floor it looks dirty. In fact, dirt actually comes out of the seams of the flooring and I just had a meltdown.

Actually, calling it a meltdown is putting it mildly. I became seriously afraid for myself. I called out and put myself to bed.

Now that my mind is a little clearer, I remembered something that came to mind before. Most of my “crazy” was fixed without medication but, by simply being put on birth control – the Mirena IUD.

My Mirena implant was removed in August of this year, and my emotional/mental state has seriously degenerated.

I use the Period Tracker app on my phone, and with my notes it has predicted that I will have 3 menstrual cycles this month. The past couple of months, I’ve had two a month. Bleeding, I am bleeding constantly and with the bleeding there are serious cramps. Cramps are so terrible, I have diarrhea throughout the day like non-stop.

Friday, I did call my OBGYN’s office and I am still waiting to hear when I can get the implant that goes into my arm placed. She told me in the first phone call, there might not be any availability until next year.

I don’t know if I can make it that long.

Down in the Dumps

paper recycling

The paper recycling plant. November of 2015.

This photograph is not of the dump, or even taken by me. J took it, and honestly I don’t know if I can rightfully use it but.. when I look at the contrast in the beautiful sunrise sky and a mound of paper waiting to be recycled, something stirs inside me.

The holidays, are upon us aren’t they? So how come, I am not in the spirit? I said a bunch of crazy shit in a post only a few of you liked and I realize it didn’t make any sense. So, what’s up? What’s going on? Why now?

I’m getting married. But, you are already married… I am sure you are thinking but, no not legally. We made promises etc and been together forever but now, we are making it legit. Everything has been falling apart since. I’m afraid and, I don’t have anything to wear.

With the loss of J’s father this summer and all this crazy important sh*t going on, it’s become crystal clear how many people I can call on in my life. It’s disheartening to say the least and, it’s nothing like what my eight year old mind came up with.

I realize this post is supposed to explain things and it won’t. Write off your expectations. I was eight, living in a kitchenette with my two sisters and my mother and her boyfriend. One of us had to sleep on a lawn chair. The summers were hot, and I drew a lot of “I ❤ Jesus” pictures.

And, that’s all I can think about since July. I’m a scary emotional mess.

Obey

IMG_20151116_192709 (1)

“Let’s not forget that the little emotions
are the great captains of our lives and
we obey them without realizing it.”
~Vincent Van Gogh, 1889

Inward

selfie

A selfie. Taken in the summer of 2015. Edited to slightly to pixelate the image.

A very sensitive person in this stupid world is bound to become mad….
Only meditation can save him from becoming mad.
~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

I’m having a difficult day and it’s not even 10 am. I know partly it is because it is the end of my week, and I am tired. I also know that it’s partly because Tuesday is one of my toughest days at work, and that was yesterday. I also know it’s because I get very frustrated at myself for allowing people to take away my “mighty.” – Something I read in another blog. I will try to link that up later. Right now, I’m just trying to not fall apart before I get to work.

Measure

First full fledged mushroom noticed in this season. Spotted & photographed by J. August 7, 2015.

First full fledged mushroom noticed in this season. Spotted & photographed by J. August 7, 2015.

July was full of death.
I’ve had a lot on my mind.
I want to post.
I need to stew over what I say.
It is a time to balance.
For sure.

Summer is Fading

Common tansy weed. I did not take the photo, it is my hand holding the group of little yellow buds.

Common tansy weed. I did not take the photo, it is my hand holding the group of little yellow buds.

Summer has a way of taking me away from the Internet and social media sites & connections. I need more of that in my life. So often, I find I don’t have the real-time that I want for the things that interest me most leaving me only clicking the like button on the activities of others. Unfulfilling interactions like that, and a loss of connection to self.

The past couple of weeks has been a great time for rest, as I have been very ill with an infection in my respiratory system. My emotional health, also hit an all-time low. So, I have taken a step back from many aspects/activities in my daily life. Sleep and rest, have been paramount.

Work is a priority. There are many demands to be met. I have been cleared for a driver’s license so, I need to get my eyeglasses. It’s been over a year since my last eye test, and prescription was written. I wish I had taken the time & money to have that prescription filled. Once I have met those requirements, I will take my next big step to promotion. I’m doing the best I can and trying to focus on these goals.

Reading, baking and cooking in general are also a big part of my life right now. Bubble baths, and quiet time are also always on the agenda. Peace be with you friends.

 

Persistence

flowering tree

Flowering tree. May 28th, 2015. It is summer.

There is something that pulls at me, it is persistence. I’ve always had a fondness for “invasive species” in plants. Dandelions, horsetail, butter & eggs etc.. there is something extremely comforting in an entity that will not quit. Just like my sweet, he has never stopped trying to be in my life, even when my life is undeniably sucky. He makes me feel valuable, sometimes I feel like that’s a bad thing. Usually, it’s when I feel the need to devalue myself – a dance every so often I must complete.

Growing Pains

tall trees

Tall trees around Delong Lake, Alaska. 04/17/15

I’m going through a rough patch, the past couple of days.  It happens every so often, and I can’t always pinpoint why. It will all work out, I’m just going through some “growing pains.”

Short & Sweet

xmas tree lights

Our LED retro looking Xmas light bulbs and some cute globe bulbs too.

I’m not going to lie to you. I was in INTENSE pain today, it was frightening. Yesterday, I had a great chiropractic treatment and 45 minute massage on my neck and upper back. There were times during the massage that were painful, but I thought of negative thoughts/emotions that I wanted to banish and so that’s what I concentrated on. Last night, felt great!

This morning, woke in pain. Couldn’t grasp how much until I was fully awake. I tried to lie back down, hoping that the pain would just disappear. Hours later I was to be at work, I tried to get dressed (and I did but I was dizzy and sick from it.) Made a phone call to work, then contemplated calling the Doctor who treated me. I did, with encouragement from those close to me. Luckily, she could squeeze me in – hours later. Once she did, I felt a VAST improvement.

Hours later while resting, I felt anxiety and terrible emotions of self-hate creep in. Where was this coming from? Why? Panic attack, panic attack and sadness. I’ve got a lot to work through. There is a post on this on Pocket Glass as well, for those inclined.