Aviation Musem

Yesterday, on my sweets birthday we went to the Alaska Aviation Heritage Museum. It was a wonderful experience, we had the whole place to ourselves. There was also a full immersion flight simulator for J, to experience.

We wandered slowly, and tried to take it all in. So much to see, to read and to take in. It really was a beautiful and love filled day.

For dinner, I made him a yummy thick grass fed all natural New York steak, salad and onion rings. After dinner, I began baking the Duff’s designer cake mix. Suddenly, my MELTDOWN came on. I don’t always see them coming.  In fact, I rarely do.

I’ve had a lot on my mind, swirling swirling thoughts and feelings. I have felt isolated quite a bit. It’s come to the forefront once again, that outside my sweet and my daughter and grandchildren I have no connections. No true friends, no relationships outside of Facebook likes and work associates – even though I really do try to. With my daughter and grandchildren down in the lower 48, I only have J. When he and I don’t agree or even if he’s just sleeping etc, I am left alone with my brain.

My brain can be a terrible place, filled with anxiety and extremely depressing thoughts. Often when I have a really good day, it can come crashing down around me and I feel extreme lows. It’s part of my disorders, or it’s just how my lousy emotional and social skills surface.

Thank you for all of the kind words, and your continued visits. Be good to yourselves friends.

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Sisters Three

witches

More store bought decorations, before Halloween of 2014.

“Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.”
~Charles M. Schulz

I was never a good big sister. I was a mean big sister. Well, let me say I wasn’t always mean and I did love my sisters. Our parents were never around when we were small. My mother was a drunk at the time, and very busy with her “friends.” And my Dad, he was always away at work on the oil rig for weeks at a time. We were left alone a lot. Like, a lot.

I was supposed to be their protector, and I wasn’t. I stood by, and I didn’t take the correct course of actions. Sure, I was a kid too but.. I was the big sister.

When I moved back to Alaska, my sisters welcomed me. One invited me, and my sweet into her home. The other, she brought her baby for me to see and hold. I didn’t hold her baby. It was an assholish thing to do, or not do. I was afraid, and I made the wrong choice. Who doesn’t hold a baby? Me, the same big sister who didn’t make the right choices. The same big sister who didn’t speak out. The same big sister, who still to this day – cannot be a sister. Life’s lessons.

Overdoing It

green needles

New bright green growth on a green shrub/tree. Photo taken May of 2015. Can you identify it?

“Good decisions come from experience,
and experience comes from bad decisions.”
~Author Unknown

I over-edited/filtered this photo. It’s kind of how I have been doing everything lately – over-kill. Although I was diagnosed as Bipolar, I decided to no longer see my psychiatrist. Not agreeing with her, I didn’t want to acknowledge another label. Another disorder, another broken tag affixed to my forehead. I was absolutely sure being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe Depression, Anxiety and PTSD and blah blah blah was enough already!. Being sexually abused, verbally abused and physically abused by the man who raised me -not to mention being abandoned by my mother/parents created a broken child/young adult. I am who I am, because of everything that has happened and my choices/responses to life and all of it’s situations. So when she started bringing up her diagnosis of Bipolar, I said “I’m broken, I get it” and I was out. Never to go back again. Self-care became my own problem/solution.

Now, a few years or more later I have become more willing to recognize why I was given such a diagnosis. Not because I am going to go back to taking a million different medications and feeling void of any feeling, or getting my blood tested constantly for levels of whatever antipsychotic they want to try out this time. No, it’s because I realize (and have always known) you can’t treat a problem if you don’t recognize it for what it is – a problem.

So, back to the main issue. I’ve been overdoing it again. Waves, everything I do and feel happens in waves. Patterns, repeating. I need to learn how to create my own mental/emotional breakers so the tsunamis stop occurring. It’s now a goal, a focus, a movement towards better self-care. I might not want to be labeled, I may want to feel every height and fall of emotion but, I can’t keep letting those waves crash onto the shores of those closest & most dear to me. I am a wife, a mother and a grandmother – and Grandma, she needs to be an anchor in life! (PS, I appear to be rambling and excessively using the “/” mark.)

Nothing but Roses

red rose

A vibrant red rose the size of a cabbage in McKinley Park, Sacramento California.

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them;
sometimes they forgive them.” ~Oscar Wilde

In the late afternoon, on my birthday we went to McKinley park in Sacramento, California which has a poignant place in my memory. It is a secret marker, a milestone of sorts. It was important for me to return, and my daughter’s family made that happen.

We strolled around the pond first, we looked at and photographed trees (well I did) and we also got to introduce her (my Granddaughter) to some baby geese! Once she saw them, she was captivated! A lady jogger ran through them, getting close to the babies and taking photos on her cellphone. It was at that moment, my Granddaughter recognized that as bad and said “no,no, no!” It was adorable.

She and I held hands and walked around the roses. Each was a brand new gift of excitement and wonder to her. It was fantastic! She expressed in her youth and inexperience, just exactly how I still feel when I look at beautiful flowers. She didn’t want to walk on the grass, so we stuck to the paved pathways. This walk through a park, will also be one of the greatest times of my life and I am forever grateful.

Update: She’s conquered her hesitance towards the grass!

Effort

food

My European deli meal for my birthday! April 6, 2015 in Sacramento, California.

For my birthday my daughter flew me out of Alaska, and down to California! I hadn’t seen her in almost 8 years! She paid for my ticket so that I could meet my two wonderful Grandchildren. It was a major blessing, there are just no words to describe how incredible it was!

We went out with the babies in the stroller, and took a nice long walk around the neighborhood together.  Visiting thrift stores, and a variety of shops. We came across two European deli markets and had a lot of fun looking at all the different foods, spices and other items. We picked up a jelly roll cake, a potted meat from Poland, a vegetable soup from Ukraine (I think) and some marinated mushrooms from behind the counter at one of the shops. I also bought myself a KINDER EGG! The prize was an adorable glow in the dark ghost holding a red & white lollipop! One of the grossest things I picked out were chocolates with alcohol like vodka in them! Eww lol!

The greatest thing about this meal, was that my daughter and granddaughter were so willing to eat the food and try new things with me! It made me really happy! I remember as my daughter got older, we didn’t sync anymore. I can’t blame her. During some of the most formative years of her life, I turned into a horrible selfish drunken sobbing mess. I had a mid-life crisis in my twenties!

Even with my past, and everything that I went through… she should have always been my priority! I should have made more effort! It’s a wound I cannot fix. It is there, and that time is lost. It is, what it is and no matter how sorry for it all that I am – it cannot be undone. So, to have her do something so wonderful and reach out to me. To bring me to her family, and to welcome me with open arms, and make the effort to eat a silly meal with me… was and always will be on of the greatest memories of my life! I am grateful.

Not Forgotten

sunset

Sunset, looking down our street. I believe I took this in March, of 2015. I did use a filter on this photo to help disguise some of the vehicle plates etc. It was fairly dark naturally, however.

“A man does not die of love or his liver or even of old age;
he dies of being a man.”
~Percival Arland Ussher

Those Moments

pink roses

Pink roses in a local park. Sacramento, California 04/06/2015

Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye? ~Author Unknown

I had an early flight of 6 am from Sacramento International airport. We decided it was best not to wake the entire family (half of them being babies) to endure the drive and the goodbyes. My daughter and I got up just after 4 am, and were on our way by 4:30 am so that I could be at the airport one hour prior to my flight departure.

The public parking is about two miles away from the terminal, so she drove me up to the departures entrance of the airport. There is a time limit, but no one was around. Except for the security guard on his segway, that drove by a couple of times to remind us of that. We hung on as long as we could, and finally hugged and said goodbye.

I stood in the airport just inside the doors, and waved goodbye and waved goodbye. We were in a no-you-go-first standoff. It was absolutely heartbreaking, in fact I am tearing up right now. Leaving my daughter behind again, it was brutal.

On a lighter note, I almost missed my flight home. I’ll share that story, another time.

Open Heart

white shrub flower

White shrub flower. Sacramento, California. April 4th 2015

So, like a forgotten fire, a childhood can always flare up again within us.  ~Gaston Bachelard

Sometimes, the past can be painful. Old memories, mistakes, admittance of past mistakes can be like unhealed wounds. It’s funny because some of my old bruises hidden in the darkest corners of my heart, were put there by my own actions. Those wounds are some of the hardest to heal.

It was my daughter’s open heart & invitation into her life and her home, to meet her children that helped lift some of that weight that I forgot I have been carrying all of this time. Life with it’s ups and downs, it’s twists & turns.. it’s always good. For this, I am grateful in every way.

Grandmother Again

flowers

Taken today with the macro lens on my cellphone, at the market.

On February 2, 2015, I became a Grandmother again. My Daughter has now given me two Grandchildren. My first Grandchild a girl! And, now I have a Grandson! I wish I could be there. I wish I could have been there (California) when my Granddaughter was born. I would so love to give them hugs and kisses xoxo.  We do video chat and I get lots of photos and videos emailed to me, it’s difficult however to not smell their skin or get to hold them.