Down in the Dumps

paper recycling

The paper recycling plant. November of 2015.

This photograph is not of the dump, or even taken by me. J took it, and honestly I don’t know if I can rightfully use it but.. when I look at the contrast in the beautiful sunrise sky and a mound of paper waiting to be recycled, something stirs inside me.

The holidays, are upon us aren’t they? So how come, I am not in the spirit? I said a bunch of crazy shit in a post only a few of you liked and I realize it didn’t make any sense. So, what’s up? What’s going on? Why now?

I’m getting married. But, you are already married… I am sure you are thinking but, no not legally. We made promises etc and been together forever but now, we are making it legit. Everything has been falling apart since. I’m afraid and, I don’t have anything to wear.

With the loss of J’s father this summer and all this crazy important sh*t going on, it’s become crystal clear how many people I can call on in my life. It’s disheartening to say the least and, it’s nothing like what my eight year old mind came up with.

I realize this post is supposed to explain things and it won’t. Write off your expectations. I was eight, living in a kitchenette with my two sisters and my mother and her boyfriend. One of us had to sleep on a lawn chair. The summers were hot, and I drew a lot of “I ❤ Jesus” pictures.

And, that’s all I can think about since July. I’m a scary emotional mess.

Advertisements

Obey

IMG_20151116_192709 (1)

“Let’s not forget that the little emotions
are the great captains of our lives and
we obey them without realizing it.”
~Vincent Van Gogh, 1889

Recharge

selenite

Selenite points, wands, and large base chunk. Photo taken at Nature’s Jewels in Anchorage, Alaska. November 12, 2015.

Yesterday, I spent most of the morning being quiet and staying to myself in the bedroom. I couldn’t decide if I was going to mope or cry or just brood and replay Wednesday over and over again in my mind until I ended up quitting my job or just zone out and let the day pass me by. It took awhile to decide. I spent time with the kitties, and let the sunshine in the bedroom. It was nice watching Porki and Macy play with my turitella agate stone.

The decision was made. I got up and took a shower, got dressed and we headed off to Nature’s Jewels. It’s a rock shop I quite enjoy but, don’t get to that often. I was looking for a rough chunk of red calcite, and asked for help finding it. The woman who helped us was really nice and friendly. Both my sweet and I were engaged in different conversations with the staff and as he called it “stoney conversations.” Even though I was having a good time, I got a bit claustrophobic. My social interaction skills still aren’t the best, and I was still feeling a fairly rough. I did try tho.

There were a few really beautiful large display pieces of the red calcite but not quite what I was looking for. It was nice to learn that this shop does layaway. What I ended up with was, a small bottle of blue topaz chips and a large palm size chunk of pink Himalayan salt and one small piece of red calcite.

rocks

The three stones purchased at Nature’s Jewels on 11/12/15.

Today, it’s been a bit of a rough start. I keep thinking about my line of work and, it’s not something that really makes my spirit sing. It does however, pay the bills. I am tired and by tired I mean mentally/physically and emotionally drained from it. That leaves me with little energy to do things I love. It might be time for a change but, it needs to be a BIG one not just a change of location.

I think I will spend the day focusing on cleaning. It’s also tiring but, it does provide a good distraction. If I can, I want to spend some time with some of my tarot cards and stones. I still need to cleanse and recharge. My joy is on low, and I don’t want to let the battery die.

Sad Girl

coloring

Coloring with crayons a few days ago. It helps relax me but, I don’t nearly do it enough. It’s hard to sit on the floor, and we have no room for desk or table.

“People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.”
~Will Rogers

As I feared, yesterday ended badly. I could tell you everything about why it happened, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters today, is that I need to repair the hurt. Let go of the pain, and wash away the feelings that my emotional processing is “wrong.”

At the end of my shift, when I was at my weakest I was verbally attacked and physically threatened. I called everyone for help (including the police, boss and my sweet) and everyone showed up. That in itself was wonderful but, I didn’t get what I was really looking for. It made me feel abandoned. My “abandoned child” came out, and I never felt more alone. It was terrifying, and it still makes me sad.

Today, I must rest and I am going to do my best to find some peace. There will be no “fake it till I make it” today. Nope, nothing but real faces today – all 5 of them most likely.

Inward

selfie

A selfie. Taken in the summer of 2015. Edited to slightly to pixelate the image.

A very sensitive person in this stupid world is bound to become mad….
Only meditation can save him from becoming mad.
~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

I’m having a difficult day and it’s not even 10 am. I know partly it is because it is the end of my week, and I am tired. I also know that it’s partly because Tuesday is one of my toughest days at work, and that was yesterday. I also know it’s because I get very frustrated at myself for allowing people to take away my “mighty.” – Something I read in another blog. I will try to link that up later. Right now, I’m just trying to not fall apart before I get to work.

Just Shine Your Light!

signal light

Some kind of signaling light apparatus (I’m so not aviation or technically inclined) in the old tower, at the Alaska Aviation Heritage Museum.

“It is when we are most lost that we sometimes find our truest friends.”
― Cynthia Rylant, Walt Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Open Up

pink and yellow roses

Pink and yellow roses with baby’s breath. Mid-October, 2015.

“Flowers don’t worry about how they’re going to bloom.
They just open up and turn toward the light
and that makes them beautiful.”
~Jim Carrey

Muddle

sculpture

I don’t know who made this, but it’s so ugly it’s cute. Handmade, and for sale at our local antique shop. September, 2015.

I’m one of few dragons ever to have a song. That is because,
instead of destroying things, I try to muddle through.
Puff the Magic Dragon

I’m caught up again. In my work, life and my thoughts. I will try to muddle through.