Sad Girl

coloring

Coloring with crayons a few days ago. It helps relax me but, I don’t nearly do it enough. It’s hard to sit on the floor, and we have no room for desk or table.

“People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.”
~Will Rogers

As I feared, yesterday ended badly. I could tell you everything about why it happened, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters today, is that I need to repair the hurt. Let go of the pain, and wash away the feelings that my emotional processing is “wrong.”

At the end of my shift, when I was at my weakest I was verbally attacked and physically threatened. I called everyone for help (including the police, boss and my sweet) and everyone showed up. That in itself was wonderful but, I didn’t get what I was really looking for. It made me feel abandoned. My “abandoned child” came out, and I never felt more alone. It was terrifying, and it still makes me sad.

Today, I must rest and I am going to do my best to find some peace. There will be no “fake it till I make it” today. Nope, nothing but real faces today – all 5 of them most likely.

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Aviation Musem

Yesterday, on my sweets birthday we went to the Alaska Aviation Heritage Museum. It was a wonderful experience, we had the whole place to ourselves. There was also a full immersion flight simulator for J, to experience.

We wandered slowly, and tried to take it all in. So much to see, to read and to take in. It really was a beautiful and love filled day.

For dinner, I made him a yummy thick grass fed all natural New York steak, salad and onion rings. After dinner, I began baking the Duff’s designer cake mix. Suddenly, my MELTDOWN came on. I don’t always see them coming.  In fact, I rarely do.

I’ve had a lot on my mind, swirling swirling thoughts and feelings. I have felt isolated quite a bit. It’s come to the forefront once again, that outside my sweet and my daughter and grandchildren I have no connections. No true friends, no relationships outside of Facebook likes and work associates – even though I really do try to. With my daughter and grandchildren down in the lower 48, I only have J. When he and I don’t agree or even if he’s just sleeping etc, I am left alone with my brain.

My brain can be a terrible place, filled with anxiety and extremely depressing thoughts. Often when I have a really good day, it can come crashing down around me and I feel extreme lows. It’s part of my disorders, or it’s just how my lousy emotional and social skills surface.

Thank you for all of the kind words, and your continued visits. Be good to yourselves friends.

Scream Queen

halloween prop

Cool Halloween prop at a local pizza eatery. October, 2015.

“Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to.”
~Richard Harris Barham

Leisure

tarot cards

Three cards from the Archeon Tarot deck by Timothy Lantz.

“If you are losing your leisure, look out; you may be losing your soul.”
~Logan P. Smith

The quote might seem a bit dramatic to some, but for me it about sums it all up. Today, is my second day off in a row. Yesterday, was fairly quiet. My body hurt all over (and still does today to some degree) and I had very little energy (and still don’t.) Prior to my actual time off, I planned to do very little. In fact, I decided I would only sleep, color, play with my Tarot cards and watch Youtube videos. I held true to my agenda but, I also did the dishes, went to Walmart (eww) and made dinner (sesame chicken drumsticks, white rice & fresh green beans.)

We watched missed episodes of The Walking Dead (who knew it was possible to actually miss an episode!) And I played with 3 different Tarot/Oracle/Self-Help decks out of my collection. I believe my collection now consists of 16 different decks. While playing with the cards, I took photos for my Instagram etc and I also reflected on anything I seen in each of the cards. I limited each decks playtime to 2 card pulls. It was nice, it was relaxing.

J asked me, are you having a good time? My response kind of surprised both he and I. I said, “I’m relaxing but I don’t know if I’m having a good time.” What is a good time? I know it’s different to each of us, but how.. how do I know if I am having a good time. Time is so calculated. Time is always measured and weighed. It pulls me back into the thinking that I should be doing something more, bigger, better and more valuable with my time. But, I am just me. I am not a surgeon, or a teacher, or an inventor, or..or.. or.. I just sell people stuff. I am not a great philanthropist, or activist or volunteer.. I just try to rest and evidently, play with my Tarot cards. I turned and gave him a kiss on the face, going back to the cards. I quickly asked “what does this card mean to you?”

I think a lot, and I think too much. It’s often self-centered thought. I could blame the fact that I’m an Aries. I could blame the past. Or, I could just try to wipe all of these current thoughts from my mind and take a walk. Does everything have to be so important? Labeled? How the hell am I supposed to know the answers? It’s my day off!

Meme Me

avatar

A Sanrio version of myself? Made with Chanrio maker. Link in post.

“All cartoon characters and fables must be exaggeration, caricatures.
It is the very nature of fantasy and fable.”
~Walt Disney

Do you ever look at all those memes or graphics on social media sites, like Facebook and believe them? You know the ones, that say things like “You are the author of your own story!” or “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” These graphics take amazing quotes from people like Deepak Chopra and Maya Angelou and place them on blank backgrounds with large fonts, creating that BOOM!, in your face effect! As in, how could that not be true? Why aren’t you doing it?

I look at those graphics a lot. Usually, they have a really positive effect on my attitude. Most I have seen before. They get recycled, and usually I recognize who said it (even tho that’s often left off the image.) Sometimes, I share them hoping they give someone else the quick boost that I also, had just needed.

Then, there are also the days that those well intended graphics, memes, quotes and single shot doses of motivation just sting! As if it were all just that easy! Right!? Instead of making me perk up (as intended), reading “Get up! Dress up! Show up! & never give up!”  on a t-shirt being advertised; it can make me down right angry! Thinking inside my head, “HEY T-SHIRT BACK OFF! You don’t know anything about me or my situation!”

How do these images/graphics/memes/quotes effect you? How are they affecting society? Did you just click this post to get the link to the Chanrio Maker? Here it is, http://chanrio.com/?utm_#/. Have fun folks!

3 Barons Fair

dancing

Dancing about to begin at the 3 Barons Renaissance Fair. June 6th, 2015.

On Saturday, my sweet took me to the 3 Barons Renaissance Fair! We headed out right after work and just had a fabulous time! This photo is one of my sweet’s favorite pics that I took that day. It doesn’t do any justice to the great tents and decor set up, because it’s out in the wider clear area for the DANCING! It does show however, our beautiful Alaskan mountains and captures how lucky we feel to live here! It was a slightly rainy day, but for us it only added to the experience. More photos from that day to come in future posts.

Alaska Aces Game

 

hockey

Alaska Aces collage. Playing against Colorado Eagles on 03-14-15 at George M. Sullivan Arena – Ben Boeke ice rink.

Please enjoy probably the worst photographs ever captured of a hockey game! To be honest, I was way more interested in hugging and cheering with my sweet and actually watching the game than taking pictures – so this is what we ended up with! It was our first professional hockey game/event and the whole thing was a tad overwhelming, but in a really good way.

To start, I’ve never purchased tickets off the Ticketmaster website (and I’ve been alive 40 years.) I tried not to over think it too much, because I might have talked myself out of getting the tickets for our anniversary. Parking to an event that is hosted in a building that was built for it, should be free. If you buy tickets to that event, you should get to park a vehicle for free. And, I didn’t see anywhere on the website that mentioned it was $6. Cash? Who carries cash? LOL, in a hurry driving past APD out of the parking lot we drove to the nearest Walgreens so I could get cash back for free. I like free, what can I say? So, I bought two bottles of OGX conditioner on sale and got us some play $$ back.

Frantically “behind schedule” (I’m a worry wart) we went running into will call to pick up our tickets and, got in the wrong will call line.  Apparently, there are two different will calls – idk why. Then the REAL FUN began! Trying to navigate the stadium and, we both agreed it didn’t make any sense and finally after moving about 4 times we finally were happy that we were in the seats I purchased. The seats were great! Before buying the tickets, I asked my honey where he wanted to sit because I didn’t know where would be best. He suggested a corner setting, and it was perfect we were able to see both goals and all the action. Lots of faces getting smashed into plexiglass and people beating the plastic. We were in the 2 row from the rink!

There are so many mini-games, chants, foot stomping, puck chucking and toys. Cowbells, kids screaming their heads off! Big men yelling insults at the opposing team. We also had an “expert” in the seat in front of us that pointed out every bad call or lack there of by the ref. It was frigging fantastic! Mascots dancing, kissing cams (we weren’t shown to our dismay) and weird horns, raffles and light shows! Wow! it was all worth it.

Our voices were gone, and our legs sore from stomping after the game we headed out to Subway and got a quick meal. It was just another really good day with my best friend of 8 years. ❤

Don’t Be Afraid to Play

edited photo digital art

Edited photo play using a photograph of a piece of art in my home. 

“Don’t be afraid to play”
– from a member in a group I belong too.
So, here is my play for the day! Rock on people!

Seeking Santa III

paper snowflakes in window

Paper snowflakes we cut & applied to our window along with fake snow & lights. We have an enclosed walkway to our apartment, view from the hall.