Catatonic

porki laying down

He does this. Sometimes, he looks dead. He’s not. He just gets moody sometimes.

This morning has been ultra rough. I was cleaning up after cooking breakfast and I just lost it. My apartment is a dump, and no matter how much I clean the old linoleum kitchen floor it looks dirty. In fact, dirt actually comes out of the seams of the flooring and I just had a meltdown.

Actually, calling it a meltdown is putting it mildly. I became seriously afraid for myself. I called out and put myself to bed.

Now that my mind is a little clearer, I remembered something that came to mind before. Most of my “crazy” was fixed without medication but, by simply being put on birth control – the Mirena IUD.

My Mirena implant was removed in August of this year, and my emotional/mental state has seriously degenerated.

I use the Period Tracker app on my phone, and with my notes it has predicted that I will have 3 menstrual cycles this month. The past couple of months, I’ve had two a month. Bleeding, I am bleeding constantly and with the bleeding there are serious cramps. Cramps are so terrible, I have diarrhea throughout the day like non-stop.

Friday, I did call my OBGYN’s office and I am still waiting to hear when I can get the implant that goes into my arm placed. She told me in the first phone call, there might not be any availability until next year.

I don’t know if I can make it that long.

Excellence

red rose

A beautiful rose, with small imperfection on the outer petal. Standing with confidence, in it’s bouquet.

“Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude.”
~Ralph Marston

Hallelujah!

tree leaves

Orange tree leaves, like fire on the branches of trees. Mid-October, 2015.

“October is a hallelujah!
reverberating in my body year-round…”
~John Nichols

Every Day

red flowers

Taken at my favorite local flower shop, mid-September in 2015.

“If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.”
~Cavett Robert

Ordinary Beautiful

red gerber

Red Gerber Daisy. In the local market. September 19th, 2015.

“Things don’t have to be extraordinary to be beautiful,
even the ordinary can be beautiful.”
– Matthew, Wicker Park

Nothing but Roses

red rose

A vibrant red rose the size of a cabbage in McKinley Park, Sacramento California.

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them;
sometimes they forgive them.” ~Oscar Wilde

In the late afternoon, on my birthday we went to McKinley park in Sacramento, California which has a poignant place in my memory. It is a secret marker, a milestone of sorts. It was important for me to return, and my daughter’s family made that happen.

We strolled around the pond first, we looked at and photographed trees (well I did) and we also got to introduce her (my Granddaughter) to some baby geese! Once she saw them, she was captivated! A lady jogger ran through them, getting close to the babies and taking photos on her cellphone. It was at that moment, my Granddaughter recognized that as bad and said “no,no, no!” It was adorable.

She and I held hands and walked around the roses. Each was a brand new gift of excitement and wonder to her. It was fantastic! She expressed in her youth and inexperience, just exactly how I still feel when I look at beautiful flowers. She didn’t want to walk on the grass, so we stuck to the paved pathways. This walk through a park, will also be one of the greatest times of my life and I am forever grateful.

Update: She’s conquered her hesitance towards the grass!

Root Chakra

red flowers

Vibrant red/fuchsia flowers, outside for sale at the market. May 31st, 2015.

“There is deep wisdom within our very flesh,
if we can only come to our senses and feel it.”
~Elizabeth A. Behnke

It’s a dreary day today, it’s been raining the past few days. Well, actually we only had one day where there was a heavy rain fall.  Usually, rain in Anchorage is more of a drizzly mist but the other day, it poured! It was kind of amazing. Dreary days, not so amazing. Sometimes it’s humid and overcast, which is the kind of weather mosquitoes LOVE! Yesterday afternoon, the sun came out but the winds were so strong it felt kind of unsafe to be outside. It’s like they say tho, “Don’t like the weather? Wait 5 minutes, it’ll change.”

Sometimes my moods can change just as quick, and sometimes I get into a deep funk. My living situation (the quality of life,) the factor of physical pain, and tedious vile complications in work relationships have stirred up and thickened some old depressions. When I look at my life, my home, my work experiences I just see broken records skipping, skipping, skipping – playing that same incomplete tune over and over again.

I saw a new chiropractor who used a special table. Which with the use of ankle cuffs stretched my back, there was elevation/twisting/and some minor pain but, there was also relief.  Then, a negative bug dug it’s way into my brain! How could I warrant taking two buses to the hospital, and two buses on the way home (about a 3 hour trip) for a 15 minute appointment? Sure, there is some temporary relief but I don’t want to go to the hospital every week, or twice a week every week as he originally prescribed. So, I cancelled all of my appointments.

My apartment was a Godsend at the time we moved in, almost 4 years ago. We really needed to get out of where we were but now, it’s too small and too old. All of the outlets are on one side of the apartment. The bathroom door is right next to the fridge. The only two windows that open, are the small bathroom window (which means we must always look at the toilet through the kitchen) and the bedroom window – there is no air flow. The bedroom is opposite of the bathroom (imagine a c shape) and our front windows are merely for light, they do not open. Through the front windows you can see the enclosed walkway to our apartments, so if you want to let the little sunshine you get in you must be comfortable with everyone that walks by looking in and you seeing them! It’s frustrating. It also needs new paint, new carpet and linoleum but, our building owner is a bit of a slum lord. Most of the apartments are furnished (ours isn’t) so, it invites a lot of “come & go” types, party people, and in my opinion undesirables. It’s time to move.

Today is my day off, and as usual I am battling the idea of cleaning over relaxing and relaxing over cleaning. I will tear myself up physically and emotionally trying to be everything, do everything and rest all at the same time. I’m holding up too many spinning pie plates and I feel like they are all going to come crashing down, soon.

Slow Down

flower

Pink flower. Part of an outside display at the market. June, 2015. Does anyone know the name?

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” ~Lao Tzu

Not quite been myself (or have I) – just very tired and a bit overwhelmed. Pain scale has been high. I really should take the time to update this blog with personal info. I will try to make that a priority for tomorrow!