Vibrant red/fuchsia flowers, outside for sale at the market. May 31st, 2015.
“There is deep wisdom within our very flesh,
if we can only come to our senses and feel it.”
~Elizabeth A. Behnke
It’s a dreary day today, it’s been raining the past few days. Well, actually we only had one day where there was a heavy rain fall. Usually, rain in Anchorage is more of a drizzly mist but the other day, it poured! It was kind of amazing. Dreary days, not so amazing. Sometimes it’s humid and overcast, which is the kind of weather mosquitoes LOVE! Yesterday afternoon, the sun came out but the winds were so strong it felt kind of unsafe to be outside. It’s like they say tho, “Don’t like the weather? Wait 5 minutes, it’ll change.”
Sometimes my moods can change just as quick, and sometimes I get into a deep funk. My living situation (the quality of life,) the factor of physical pain, and tedious vile complications in work relationships have stirred up and thickened some old depressions. When I look at my life, my home, my work experiences I just see broken records skipping, skipping, skipping – playing that same incomplete tune over and over again.
I saw a new chiropractor who used a special table. Which with the use of ankle cuffs stretched my back, there was elevation/twisting/and some minor pain but, there was also relief. Then, a negative bug dug it’s way into my brain! How could I warrant taking two buses to the hospital, and two buses on the way home (about a 3 hour trip) for a 15 minute appointment? Sure, there is some temporary relief but I don’t want to go to the hospital every week, or twice a week every week as he originally prescribed. So, I cancelled all of my appointments.
My apartment was a Godsend at the time we moved in, almost 4 years ago. We really needed to get out of where we were but now, it’s too small and too old. All of the outlets are on one side of the apartment. The bathroom door is right next to the fridge. The only two windows that open, are the small bathroom window (which means we must always look at the toilet through the kitchen) and the bedroom window – there is no air flow. The bedroom is opposite of the bathroom (imagine a c shape) and our front windows are merely for light, they do not open. Through the front windows you can see the enclosed walkway to our apartments, so if you want to let the little sunshine you get in you must be comfortable with everyone that walks by looking in and you seeing them! It’s frustrating. It also needs new paint, new carpet and linoleum but, our building owner is a bit of a slum lord. Most of the apartments are furnished (ours isn’t) so, it invites a lot of “come & go” types, party people, and in my opinion undesirables. It’s time to move.
Today is my day off, and as usual I am battling the idea of cleaning over relaxing and relaxing over cleaning. I will tear myself up physically and emotionally trying to be everything, do everything and rest all at the same time. I’m holding up too many spinning pie plates and I feel like they are all going to come crashing down, soon.