Inward

selfie

A selfie. Taken in the summer of 2015. Edited to slightly to pixelate the image.

A very sensitive person in this stupid world is bound to become mad….
Only meditation can save him from becoming mad.
~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

I’m having a difficult day and it’s not even 10 am. I know partly it is because it is the end of my week, and I am tired. I also know that it’s partly because Tuesday is one of my toughest days at work, and that was yesterday. I also know it’s because I get very frustrated at myself for allowing people to take away my “mighty.” – Something I read in another blog. I will try to link that up later. Right now, I’m just trying to not fall apart before I get to work.

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Spent

spent

Alaskan humour, Spring of 2015.

Despite that the photo displays an icy winter scene, it was actually taken in the early spring. However, it shows how I feel currently at the end of our summer. I don’t know what our winter will be like this year, but I welcome it. Someone the other day called me “winter girl.”

The photo is of a sewage pipe with a poorly rendered penis spray painted on the side, and I hope I don’t have to explain what the melting ice represents. Tsk tsk you naughty Alaskans.

It’s weird, now looking at this old photo I see the image of a person in the shrubbery just to the right. No one was actually there. Perhaps, it’s a ghost or just photographic trickery.

Yesterday, death was on my mind a lot. Two people I interacted with on a near daily basis (through work) died in July. And death hit close to home too. It was all so sudden, unexpected and incredibly tragic. Death changed everything in so many nameless ways.

Summer has been too hot, and has left me feeling burnt once again. I’m ready for the cold. I am ready for the dark. I want to wear a coat and see my breath in the air. It’s time to turn inward, to stay in doors and perhaps hibernate a little.

Measure

First full fledged mushroom noticed in this season. Spotted & photographed by J. August 7, 2015.

First full fledged mushroom noticed in this season. Spotted & photographed by J. August 7, 2015.

July was full of death.
I’ve had a lot on my mind.
I want to post.
I need to stew over what I say.
It is a time to balance.
For sure.

Summer is Fading

Common tansy weed. I did not take the photo, it is my hand holding the group of little yellow buds.

Common tansy weed. I did not take the photo, it is my hand holding the group of little yellow buds.

Summer has a way of taking me away from the Internet and social media sites & connections. I need more of that in my life. So often, I find I don’t have the real-time that I want for the things that interest me most leaving me only clicking the like button on the activities of others. Unfulfilling interactions like that, and a loss of connection to self.

The past couple of weeks has been a great time for rest, as I have been very ill with an infection in my respiratory system. My emotional health, also hit an all-time low. So, I have taken a step back from many aspects/activities in my daily life. Sleep and rest, have been paramount.

Work is a priority. There are many demands to be met. I have been cleared for a driver’s license so, I need to get my eyeglasses. It’s been over a year since my last eye test, and prescription was written. I wish I had taken the time & money to have that prescription filled. Once I have met those requirements, I will take my next big step to promotion. I’m doing the best I can and trying to focus on these goals.

Reading, baking and cooking in general are also a big part of my life right now. Bubble baths, and quiet time are also always on the agenda. Peace be with you friends.

 

Meme Me

avatar

A Sanrio version of myself? Made with Chanrio maker. Link in post.

“All cartoon characters and fables must be exaggeration, caricatures.
It is the very nature of fantasy and fable.”
~Walt Disney

Do you ever look at all those memes or graphics on social media sites, like Facebook and believe them? You know the ones, that say things like “You are the author of your own story!” or “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” These graphics take amazing quotes from people like Deepak Chopra and Maya Angelou and place them on blank backgrounds with large fonts, creating that BOOM!, in your face effect! As in, how could that not be true? Why aren’t you doing it?

I look at those graphics a lot. Usually, they have a really positive effect on my attitude. Most I have seen before. They get recycled, and usually I recognize who said it (even tho that’s often left off the image.) Sometimes, I share them hoping they give someone else the quick boost that I also, had just needed.

Then, there are also the days that those well intended graphics, memes, quotes and single shot doses of motivation just sting! As if it were all just that easy! Right!? Instead of making me perk up (as intended), reading “Get up! Dress up! Show up! & never give up!”  on a t-shirt being advertised; it can make me down right angry! Thinking inside my head, “HEY T-SHIRT BACK OFF! You don’t know anything about me or my situation!”

How do these images/graphics/memes/quotes effect you? How are they affecting society? Did you just click this post to get the link to the Chanrio Maker? Here it is, http://chanrio.com/?utm_#/. Have fun folks!

Apple Pie

apple pie

A square apple pie, baked today. July 17th, 2015.

“Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.” ~Don Kardong

Despite everything, I have always been one to get up/dress up & show up. I remember my mother getting angry at me and, insisting I wasn’t sick if I was willing to eat. There has never been an illness that prevented me from being hungry. Now, over my adult life I have learned when not to eat – but it didn’t stop me from being hungry.

When I went to see the psychiatrists and counselors, I always showered and put my makeup on. They would always comment at my ability at self-care – what lovely eyeshadow I had on. It’s not my nature to go without eating or showering, or combing my hair.

I really have never believed that I needed to prove my illness and, just because I’m better at putting my face on other than some or that I can bake a pie.. doesn’t mean that I am perfect and happy inside. I shouldn’t have to prove my pain. Remember folks, it’s not a competition.

Struggle

me

Taken July 15, 2015 at 4:44 pm. Webcam used while laying on sofa. Not the best angle. Edited with PicMonkey.

“When a man is at his wits’ end it is not a cowardly thing to pray,
it is the only way he can get in touch with reality.”
~Oswald Chambers

Things have been a bit rough for me lately. I’m not doing any of the things that I really love. I’m starting to think it’s because I don’t really love anything. Reflecting back to a conversation with a counselor at my physician’s office, I remember describing the absolute shallowness of how I felt. Not, shallow like vanity but, perhaps hollow. She told me to “fake it, till you make it.” It’s what I’ve always done, but when does the faking stop?

My personal relationships have been tested a lot this year. I’m not a buddy buddy person. Outside of my sweet, I hang out with no one. I don’t make phone calls (except to my daughter, grandchildren, and occasionally my grandfather.) I have attempted to make friends and only found people who lie, backstab and gossip. It’s only reaffirming my hermit like self to remain isolated but, it gets lonely inside my head. Not having a cellphone that can take photos is limiting some of the only self-expression I have. No photos, no moments to save, nothing to share, no blog posts, no words leaving my cluttered mind. It’s getting rough.

Work is monotonous. I see the same people everyday, they buy the same things everyday. I even see them at the exact same time of the day. Every day is the same. I wear a uniform everyday, and nothing changes. And the same thoughts run through my mind.

I’m sad today.

Be Flexible

kitty stretching

Stretch! A quick pic snapped with my webcam with my HP Google Chromebook laptop. It’s been edited a bit, because when I took it – the webcam had a filter applied to it. The scratcher was broken and bent, but since fixed by my sweets. Photo taken June, 2015.

“Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.”
~Author Unknown

The day I took this, it was super hot! It was in the eighties I believe, and it was about 92 degrees in our upstairs apartment (that’s ridiculous hot for Alaskans!) With no AC, and four fans blowing – we still needed somewhere for the hot air to go! Hence, the open front door. I’m not to keen on having the front door open, only because our apartments have an enclosed walkway/entrance and there is a lot of foot traffic. Who wants to watch people walk back and forth, trying to not or trying to look into your home? Not me, thanks! Anyway, that day it was a necessity!

I had some super ridiculous drama on FB last night (surprise, surprise right?) All about (originally) being understanding and tolerant of people. Which quickly became about what an old “hag” I am, and my psychiatric diagnoses where a lot of stigma & hate were thrown at me. I was even attacked about my blog, and was told I was going to lose my job when she shows my employer this positive place for photos and memories but, I digress. My point is, I am flexible. I am not so rigid in my mind that I need to insult, intimidate, pass judgement or use physical threats to get my way, or live my life! Bullying is so passé! Go in love & light my friends! Be flexible!

3 Barons Fair

dancing

Dancing about to begin at the 3 Barons Renaissance Fair. June 6th, 2015.

On Saturday, my sweet took me to the 3 Barons Renaissance Fair! We headed out right after work and just had a fabulous time! This photo is one of my sweet’s favorite pics that I took that day. It doesn’t do any justice to the great tents and decor set up, because it’s out in the wider clear area for the DANCING! It does show however, our beautiful Alaskan mountains and captures how lucky we feel to live here! It was a slightly rainy day, but for us it only added to the experience. More photos from that day to come in future posts.