Spent

spent

Alaskan humour, Spring of 2015.

Despite that the photo displays an icy winter scene, it was actually taken in the early spring. However, it shows how I feel currently at the end of our summer. I don’t know what our winter will be like this year, but I welcome it. Someone the other day called me “winter girl.”

The photo is of a sewage pipe with a poorly rendered penis spray painted on the side, and I hope I don’t have to explain what the melting ice represents. Tsk tsk you naughty Alaskans.

It’s weird, now looking at this old photo I see the image of a person in the shrubbery just to the right. No one was actually there. Perhaps, it’s a ghost or just photographic trickery.

Yesterday, death was on my mind a lot. Two people I interacted with on a near daily basis (through work) died in July. And death hit close to home too. It was all so sudden, unexpected and incredibly tragic. Death changed everything in so many nameless ways.

Summer has been too hot, and has left me feeling burnt once again. I’m ready for the cold. I am ready for the dark. I want to wear a coat and see my breath in the air. It’s time to turn inward, to stay in doors and perhaps hibernate a little.

On the Rocks

rocks

Rocks at the beach, April of 2015.

“Every time you don’t follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.”  ~Shakti Gawain

Friends

kelp bulbs

Kelp bulbs. Me & my sweets hands. May 09, 2015.

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. ~Edward Everett Hale

Human

bush & sky

Looking up the side of the cliff, Point Woronzof beach. Mid-April, 2015.

We each need to make peace with our own memories. We have all done things that make us flinch. ~Surya Das

Invisible Veins

beach

End of March, Alaska 2015

Beyond my body my veins are invisible.

~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943,

translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

On the ROCKS!

spray painted rocks

Vandalized rocks (with such pretty colors) on the beach. Point Woronzof, September 24th, 2014

Stuck between a rock and a hard place? Yes, as usual. Slowly I have adapted to my current work requirements, and due to a lack of needed employees my hours have been bumped from only 29 to 40 hours. 40 hours a week is required for my life and finances, so there are no complaints about that.  However, I am told around November/December part-time employees will be lucky to get any – that’s 0 hours.

I feel guilty or perhaps like I chose “wrong” to accept this current position. Perhaps if I stuck it out a little longer I would have found that full-time job that also makes my heart sing! I did get calls for interviews (one with a company I really wanted to work for) but I had already started my new job. I felt some moral obligation to stick with the company until at least training was finished and I could give proper notice.

However, I don’t really feel like this post is about my current work place or how many hours I will get. In reality, it’s about the feelings of turmoil underneath. Using responsibility and obligation, I tie stones around my neck so to speak. Doubting my decisions and finding ways to chastise myself for my decisions. Self-sabotage comes to mind. There are bigger issues at hand than my job, for me to work on! Stay POSITIVE people and always look towards the sun!

Runaway!

the point

Point Woronzof, Alaska September 24, 2014

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I had a ton on my mind and it was agitating as hard as an off-balance washing machine. In my heart, I knew I had to just let some things go – to release myself from the responsibilities I had imposed on myself. Early in the morning I woke and it started off pretty good, but I think my expectations got in the way of my own happiness.

I kept thinking of this photograph, of the plane leaving town. It was a day I promised myself to release the things that no longer serve me, and I couldn’t hold up that promise (yesterday).  The only thing I could think was – I wish I could runaway! Hop on a jet plane and not look back, but it’s really difficult to leave problems behind that only exist in your mind!

So here I am, TODAY! I am showing up, I am suited up and I am ready to try it again! Bring it on! (ok don’t bring it on, go easy on me Universe – just today!)

Goodbye Summer Season

gulf of alaska

September 24, 2014 – a favorite spot to visit.

Fall had officially begun when I took this final photograph of our visit to the point. It’s a favorite location of ours to visit. I prefer to only visit when there is no ice or snow on the ground and it isn’t so chilly by the water, therefore, this was my last visit of the season. My more daring man, he will visit year round and take many photos to share with me.

It was a beautiful day that served many purposes. The drive out to the point was gorgeous. The leaves on all the trees shivered in the breeze that was picking up fairly strong. Colors of some green remain but most trees on the drive were yellow to orange and brown, it was quite lovely. Fall is a favorite season of mine, it’s saddened me in the past how short it is in Alaska. The bitter cold of winter has been harsh in the ;past as we only just recently purchased a vehicle. Taking the bus or standing outside in 0 degree weather waiting for the bus is brutal in itself and many do it.  There are times even when you find yourself deciding damn it – it’s just faster to walk in dark and the cold. Weather can rob you of any enjoyment that might come from the season.

However, the past couple of years have brought a new appreciation of my favorite season no matter how short it is. I welcome the season that follows as well. I EMBRACE my life, with every short season, cold snap and dark sky it might have!

Whole New World

 

the point

The point, summer of 2014.

I’ve felt a bit lost in the big, wide ocean of life, but I can see the shore in the distance. It’s going to take work, but there is a whole new world out there kids.