Fresh

roses

Cream colored roses and other greenery. In a bouquet, at the local market. Taken in November, 2015.

“Tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it.”
~L.M. Montgomery

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It’s Not Working

white orchid

Close up of a large white orchid J pointed out to me at the market. It has a pink and yellow center.

This me helping myself thing, it’s not working anymore and I am not sure what steps to take. If I go back to care through the hospital they will put me on a whole bunch of medications again, which don’t really help. Several trips a month will be required to see doctors, have my blood tested for medication levels and the only real action any of them will take will be to document everything I say or do. I’ll be available less for work, and with my position that means I will most likely lose my job. Without my job, we will be seriously hurt financially. What am I supposed to do?

I shouldn’t write any of this but, I need to let it go.

 

Down in the Dumps

paper recycling

The paper recycling plant. November of 2015.

This photograph is not of the dump, or even taken by me. J took it, and honestly I don’t know if I can rightfully use it but.. when I look at the contrast in the beautiful sunrise sky and a mound of paper waiting to be recycled, something stirs inside me.

The holidays, are upon us aren’t they? So how come, I am not in the spirit? I said a bunch of crazy shit in a post only a few of you liked and I realize it didn’t make any sense. So, what’s up? What’s going on? Why now?

I’m getting married. But, you are already married… I am sure you are thinking but, no not legally. We made promises etc and been together forever but now, we are making it legit. Everything has been falling apart since. I’m afraid and, I don’t have anything to wear.

With the loss of J’s father this summer and all this crazy important sh*t going on, it’s become crystal clear how many people I can call on in my life. It’s disheartening to say the least and, it’s nothing like what my eight year old mind came up with.

I realize this post is supposed to explain things and it won’t. Write off your expectations. I was eight, living in a kitchenette with my two sisters and my mother and her boyfriend. One of us had to sleep on a lawn chair. The summers were hot, and I drew a lot of “I ❤ Jesus” pictures.

And, that’s all I can think about since July. I’m a scary emotional mess.

Riches

colorful flowers

Vibrant green and purple flowers. Sent to J for his birthday, from his Mother. Birthday in October, photo taken in November of 2015.

Who is rich? He who rejoices in his portion. ~The Talmud

Connection

purple blooms

A plenty of purple blooms. It’s nothing but the end of November, flower magic.

“A connection to Spirit restores your confidence, relieves your anxiety, and frees you from the desire to control everything in your life.”
-Sonia Choquette

Please forgive my here and there appearances, I’ve been making a large effort to reconnect with my spirit and spiritual path. Blessings friends.

 

Turning To Flowers

purple dyed rose

Purple tinted cream colored rose amongst other beautiful flowers.

“Turning to the flowers for help with the challenges now facing humanity makes good sense, for they direct us to the source of our own majesty – divine love. With their vibrant color, aromatic scent and graceful geometry, flowers embody the purity, joy and innocence residing within each one of us. We may each become more fully realized individuals, as we realign ourselves by listening with our hearts to the teachings of flowers.”

~Isha Lerner, from “The Power of Flowers”
an Archetypal Journey Through Nature
(booklet & oracle cards.)

Obey

IMG_20151116_192709 (1)

“Let’s not forget that the little emotions
are the great captains of our lives and
we obey them without realizing it.”
~Vincent Van Gogh, 1889

Recharge

selenite

Selenite points, wands, and large base chunk. Photo taken at Nature’s Jewels in Anchorage, Alaska. November 12, 2015.

Yesterday, I spent most of the morning being quiet and staying to myself in the bedroom. I couldn’t decide if I was going to mope or cry or just brood and replay Wednesday over and over again in my mind until I ended up quitting my job or just zone out and let the day pass me by. It took awhile to decide. I spent time with the kitties, and let the sunshine in the bedroom. It was nice watching Porki and Macy play with my turitella agate stone.

The decision was made. I got up and took a shower, got dressed and we headed off to Nature’s Jewels. It’s a rock shop I quite enjoy but, don’t get to that often. I was looking for a rough chunk of red calcite, and asked for help finding it. The woman who helped us was really nice and friendly. Both my sweet and I were engaged in different conversations with the staff and as he called it “stoney conversations.” Even though I was having a good time, I got a bit claustrophobic. My social interaction skills still aren’t the best, and I was still feeling a fairly rough. I did try tho.

There were a few really beautiful large display pieces of the red calcite but not quite what I was looking for. It was nice to learn that this shop does layaway. What I ended up with was, a small bottle of blue topaz chips and a large palm size chunk of pink Himalayan salt and one small piece of red calcite.

rocks

The three stones purchased at Nature’s Jewels on 11/12/15.

Today, it’s been a bit of a rough start. I keep thinking about my line of work and, it’s not something that really makes my spirit sing. It does however, pay the bills. I am tired and by tired I mean mentally/physically and emotionally drained from it. That leaves me with little energy to do things I love. It might be time for a change but, it needs to be a BIG one not just a change of location.

I think I will spend the day focusing on cleaning. It’s also tiring but, it does provide a good distraction. If I can, I want to spend some time with some of my tarot cards and stones. I still need to cleanse and recharge. My joy is on low, and I don’t want to let the battery die.

Sad Girl

coloring

Coloring with crayons a few days ago. It helps relax me but, I don’t nearly do it enough. It’s hard to sit on the floor, and we have no room for desk or table.

“People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.”
~Will Rogers

As I feared, yesterday ended badly. I could tell you everything about why it happened, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters today, is that I need to repair the hurt. Let go of the pain, and wash away the feelings that my emotional processing is “wrong.”

At the end of my shift, when I was at my weakest I was verbally attacked and physically threatened. I called everyone for help (including the police, boss and my sweet) and everyone showed up. That in itself was wonderful but, I didn’t get what I was really looking for. It made me feel abandoned. My “abandoned child” came out, and I never felt more alone. It was terrifying, and it still makes me sad.

Today, I must rest and I am going to do my best to find some peace. There will be no “fake it till I make it” today. Nope, nothing but real faces today – all 5 of them most likely.