It’s Not Working

white orchid

Close up of a large white orchid J pointed out to me at the market. It has a pink and yellow center.

This me helping myself thing, it’s not working anymore and I am not sure what steps to take. If I go back to care through the hospital they will put me on a whole bunch of medications again, which don’t really help. Several trips a month will be required to see doctors, have my blood tested for medication levels and the only real action any of them will take will be to document everything I say or do. I’ll be available less for work, and with my position that means I will most likely lose my job. Without my job, we will be seriously hurt financially. What am I supposed to do?

I shouldn’t write any of this but, I need to let it go.

 

Longing

pink roses

A sweet bouquet of vibrant pink roses with baby’s breath.

“Aroused by spring, they are soft as cream…”
~Chao Luan-Luan

Forget Perfect

flower

White & pink lily? I’m not sure of the name. Soft filter applied, just for that dreamier affect. Mid-October, 2015.

“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That’s how the light gets in.”
~Leonard Cohen

The Rain is Gone

white flower in grass

A flower fallen in the grass. The city’s hanging baskets were removed from their posts along the street. September, 2015. Anchorage, Alaska

“I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.”
-Johnny Nash

I got my vision tested yesterday. I also got, my first pair of eyeglasses! My vision was tested in 2012, but I never filled my prescription. I always felt like, I could see you know? Words blurred at a distance, I couldn’t read menu boards or the cable guide but I managed.

I don’t know why I waited so long! Seeing is believing folks! The only thing that pushed me into getting glasses is that I need them to pass the eye test at the DMV, when I got in to get my drivers license.

I am nearsighted, and my vision in my right eye is worse than my left. My eyes were dilated and I’ve got to healthy peepers! My first pair of glasses are pretty basic. Family members recommended Eye Mart, and I got a great deal on a pair of plastic lenses in some cute black & pearl white frames.

Putting my glasses on and taking them off makes me dizzy at first. In fact, I’ve felt overwhelmed at times. Taking everything in, I’m seeing things I didn’t know I was missing. I haven’t stopped talking about it for the past two days. I see the world with brand new eyes. My whole outlook of the world has improved!

Today, we went to the woods for a hike and it was breathtaking. Seeing fall colors and the seasonal changes so vividly, was amazing. I can see all the leaves on the trees. Each leaf, each needle is defined. Words, I can read them all! Even the menu boards, I can read a sign across a large room.

I just want to finish with a line from a commercial that never failed to make me laugh, “my eyes – my special eyes!”

Someone Strange

clover

A purple clover flower sitting by my window sill. On the night of September 9th, 2015.

“Once, I can’t remember, I was long ago, someone strange. I was innocent and wise, and full of pain. Now that I’m a woman, everything has changed. Once, when I was searching, somewhere out of reach, far away, in a place I could not find, or heart obey. Now that I’m a woman, everything is strange.” – Unicorn from The Last Unicorn.

Progress

yarrow flowers

Yarrow. August, 2015.

“One may go a long way after one is tired.” ~French Proverb

I am tired. I am achy. My joints hurt, my hands are swollen and I wasn’t ready to be awake yet but, there is always some part of me that won’t relax. On guard. Ready to feel bad, for things left undone. Today, I will fight that niggling thought. Today, I will rest.  I deserve it. It’s amazing that I was able to will myself to work that many days in a row (12.) To get up, dress up, and show up at least for 8 hours most days.  I know many people can and do, but for me.. it’s a different story. I’ve come a long way. For years, I almost couldn’t do anything.  I couldn’t even think about stress, let alone endure any of it. Now, I tuck it under my belt and I use it like a tool.  I am progressing. But, as I said.. I am also tired. Be good to yourselves my friends, and take it easy. I know I will 😉

I am. I am. I am.

white flower

Can anyone ID this flower? It looks to me like a type of lily?

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.”
~Sylvia Plath

Expending Energy

white flowers

Rainy flowers on a shrub, in April of 2015. Mid-day. Sacramento, California.

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” ~Albert Camus