It’s Not Working

white orchid

Close up of a large white orchid J pointed out to me at the market. It has a pink and yellow center.

This me helping myself thing, it’s not working anymore and I am not sure what steps to take. If I go back to care through the hospital they will put me on a whole bunch of medications again, which don’t really help. Several trips a month will be required to see doctors, have my blood tested for medication levels and the only real action any of them will take will be to document everything I say or do. I’ll be available less for work, and with my position that means I will most likely lose my job. Without my job, we will be seriously hurt financially. What am I supposed to do?

I shouldn’t write any of this but, I need to let it go.

 

Recharge

selenite

Selenite points, wands, and large base chunk. Photo taken at Nature’s Jewels in Anchorage, Alaska. November 12, 2015.

Yesterday, I spent most of the morning being quiet and staying to myself in the bedroom. I couldn’t decide if I was going to mope or cry or just brood and replay Wednesday over and over again in my mind until I ended up quitting my job or just zone out and let the day pass me by. It took awhile to decide. I spent time with the kitties, and let the sunshine in the bedroom. It was nice watching Porki and Macy play with my turitella agate stone.

The decision was made. I got up and took a shower, got dressed and we headed off to Nature’s Jewels. It’s a rock shop I quite enjoy but, don’t get to that often. I was looking for a rough chunk of red calcite, and asked for help finding it. The woman who helped us was really nice and friendly. Both my sweet and I were engaged in different conversations with the staff and as he called it “stoney conversations.” Even though I was having a good time, I got a bit claustrophobic. My social interaction skills still aren’t the best, and I was still feeling a fairly rough. I did try tho.

There were a few really beautiful large display pieces of the red calcite but not quite what I was looking for. It was nice to learn that this shop does layaway. What I ended up with was, a small bottle of blue topaz chips and a large palm size chunk of pink Himalayan salt and one small piece of red calcite.

rocks

The three stones purchased at Nature’s Jewels on 11/12/15.

Today, it’s been a bit of a rough start. I keep thinking about my line of work and, it’s not something that really makes my spirit sing. It does however, pay the bills. I am tired and by tired I mean mentally/physically and emotionally drained from it. That leaves me with little energy to do things I love. It might be time for a change but, it needs to be a BIG one not just a change of location.

I think I will spend the day focusing on cleaning. It’s also tiring but, it does provide a good distraction. If I can, I want to spend some time with some of my tarot cards and stones. I still need to cleanse and recharge. My joy is on low, and I don’t want to let the battery die.

Sad Girl

coloring

Coloring with crayons a few days ago. It helps relax me but, I don’t nearly do it enough. It’s hard to sit on the floor, and we have no room for desk or table.

“People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.”
~Will Rogers

As I feared, yesterday ended badly. I could tell you everything about why it happened, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters today, is that I need to repair the hurt. Let go of the pain, and wash away the feelings that my emotional processing is “wrong.”

At the end of my shift, when I was at my weakest I was verbally attacked and physically threatened. I called everyone for help (including the police, boss and my sweet) and everyone showed up. That in itself was wonderful but, I didn’t get what I was really looking for. It made me feel abandoned. My “abandoned child” came out, and I never felt more alone. It was terrifying, and it still makes me sad.

Today, I must rest and I am going to do my best to find some peace. There will be no “fake it till I make it” today. Nope, nothing but real faces today – all 5 of them most likely.

Daily Duty

blue sky

Blue sky over Lake Hood. On October 29th, 2015.

“Is the blue sky happy?
It is doing its daily duty,
Of course it is happy.”
~Terri Guillemets

Muddle

sculpture

I don’t know who made this, but it’s so ugly it’s cute. Handmade, and for sale at our local antique shop. September, 2015.

I’m one of few dragons ever to have a song. That is because,
instead of destroying things, I try to muddle through.
Puff the Magic Dragon

I’m caught up again. In my work, life and my thoughts. I will try to muddle through.

The Cat Life

our cat porky

His mother a Siamese, he a Siamese mix. His mother (Pixie) went out to meet a fellow, and that’s how Porky came to be. 😉 September of 2015.

Our cats have been extra lovey-dovey. I don’t know if it’s because I have been gone with work so much, or it’s just the current disposition. J has said the same, he has been home more as of late and he too gets lots of snuggles. Cats, love to hate them – can’t live without them. Troublemakers that wiggle in your heart, and cover everything with their fur! They eat too much, and poop too much, cuddle too much, purr too hard and know how to make everything OK again. Perhaps, they just know how much I need it in my life!

“There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one
to come off as a sane person.” ~Dan Greenberg

Trying too Hard

burger wall art

Burger art? Wall decor at a local eatery. September, 2015.

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
~Buddy Hackett

On day 2 of my days off in a row, we went out to eat. This is usually never a good idea. We often go to the same places because there is a limited selection of good restaurants in Anchorage, and more often than not I’d rather just cook.

This isn’t a review of the place we ended up dining at, but I could totally do one. And, although it wasn’t the worst restaurant in our little town it definitely wasn’t one of my favorite dining experiences. Depending on my mood, I can be a tough critic.  I know exactly how hard I work for my few dollars every paycheck, and giving up some of it for sub par food and service can be devastating. I digress. This place wasn’t the worst, in some ways they were just trying too hard.

We did wait quite a long time to get some very average fair, and J had to get the server to refill my drink and some of J’s food was completely inedible. Which they did attempt to fix to some degree but there was just no fixing it in reality. What really bothered me, was that it was packed and the “art” was terrible. Most patrons sat at the bar guzzling their drinks and, I thought … this must be what’s wrong… we’re not drunk.

Anyhoo, I got all bummed out and it started ruining my day off. Nothing seemed to go right after that, everything was just wrong. Today, in retrospect I can look back and see maybe it was me trying too hard. I mentioned before I put a lot of pressure on myself, and what to do with my time. With all of this working so hard, and looking forward to my time off I might have created some unrealistic expectations of what my leisure time should feel like. And suffice it to say, an overrated-trying-to-hard-yuppy-bar is just not for me. I would have been happier making homemade burgers and going for a walk to the park.

Lesson learned.

Leisure

tarot cards

Three cards from the Archeon Tarot deck by Timothy Lantz.

“If you are losing your leisure, look out; you may be losing your soul.”
~Logan P. Smith

The quote might seem a bit dramatic to some, but for me it about sums it all up. Today, is my second day off in a row. Yesterday, was fairly quiet. My body hurt all over (and still does today to some degree) and I had very little energy (and still don’t.) Prior to my actual time off, I planned to do very little. In fact, I decided I would only sleep, color, play with my Tarot cards and watch Youtube videos. I held true to my agenda but, I also did the dishes, went to Walmart (eww) and made dinner (sesame chicken drumsticks, white rice & fresh green beans.)

We watched missed episodes of The Walking Dead (who knew it was possible to actually miss an episode!) And I played with 3 different Tarot/Oracle/Self-Help decks out of my collection. I believe my collection now consists of 16 different decks. While playing with the cards, I took photos for my Instagram etc and I also reflected on anything I seen in each of the cards. I limited each decks playtime to 2 card pulls. It was nice, it was relaxing.

J asked me, are you having a good time? My response kind of surprised both he and I. I said, “I’m relaxing but I don’t know if I’m having a good time.” What is a good time? I know it’s different to each of us, but how.. how do I know if I am having a good time. Time is so calculated. Time is always measured and weighed. It pulls me back into the thinking that I should be doing something more, bigger, better and more valuable with my time. But, I am just me. I am not a surgeon, or a teacher, or an inventor, or..or.. or.. I just sell people stuff. I am not a great philanthropist, or activist or volunteer.. I just try to rest and evidently, play with my Tarot cards. I turned and gave him a kiss on the face, going back to the cards. I quickly asked “what does this card mean to you?”

I think a lot, and I think too much. It’s often self-centered thought. I could blame the fact that I’m an Aries. I could blame the past. Or, I could just try to wipe all of these current thoughts from my mind and take a walk. Does everything have to be so important? Labeled? How the hell am I supposed to know the answers? It’s my day off!

Progress

yarrow flowers

Yarrow. August, 2015.

“One may go a long way after one is tired.” ~French Proverb

I am tired. I am achy. My joints hurt, my hands are swollen and I wasn’t ready to be awake yet but, there is always some part of me that won’t relax. On guard. Ready to feel bad, for things left undone. Today, I will fight that niggling thought. Today, I will rest.  I deserve it. It’s amazing that I was able to will myself to work that many days in a row (12.) To get up, dress up, and show up at least for 8 hours most days.  I know many people can and do, but for me.. it’s a different story. I’ve come a long way. For years, I almost couldn’t do anything.  I couldn’t even think about stress, let alone endure any of it. Now, I tuck it under my belt and I use it like a tool.  I am progressing. But, as I said.. I am also tired. Be good to yourselves my friends, and take it easy. I know I will 😉

Full Moon Blessings

photo

Another photo edited to make use of a slightly blurry & un-interesting photo of miscellaneous things in my cabinet.

“May you have warm words on a cool evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.”  ~Irish Toast

This morning when leaving for work at just before 5 am, we saw the big beautiful golden full moon. It’s not the first time ever, mind you. It’s just been a season since we’ve been able to truly view the moon with a velvet black sky behind it, surrounded by smoky looking clouds and sparkling stars. Summer in Alaska is the season of the sun. It is “the land of the midnight sun.” We have reached the beginning of fall, and now sister moon returns to us (even tho she never really left.)

There is a peacefulness that I find at night, in the dark. Winter’s coldness feels right to me. If my living circumstances were different, I suppose I might feel differently. But right here, right now after working day 8 of 12.. it feels absolutely perfect. There is a chill in my bedroom. We are cuddled up, and J is already napping. The kitties, are napping and being surrounded by pillows & covers in the middle of the afternoon is beyond comforting. I feel peaceful, and at rest.

Full moon blessings to you, my friends . . * . * )0( * . *. .