This photo was taken in the “shrine” area next to the large golden Buddha at The Mermaid Emporium. Anchorage, Alaska. Taken in October, of 2015.
“I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance,
A church filled with family and friends.
I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for,
He said one that would make me his wife.”
~Author Unknown
It’s today friends! Wish us luck!? 🙂 Blessings to all! ❤
The paper recycling plant. November of 2015.
This photograph is not of the dump, or even taken by me. J took it, and honestly I don’t know if I can rightfully use it but.. when I look at the contrast in the beautiful sunrise sky and a mound of paper waiting to be recycled, something stirs inside me.
The holidays, are upon us aren’t they? So how come, I am not in the spirit? I said a bunch of crazy shit in a post only a few of you liked and I realize it didn’t make any sense. So, what’s up? What’s going on? Why now?
I’m getting married. But, you are already married… I am sure you are thinking but, no not legally. We made promises etc and been together forever but now, we are making it legit. Everything has been falling apart since. I’m afraid and, I don’t have anything to wear.
With the loss of J’s father this summer and all this crazy important sh*t going on, it’s become crystal clear how many people I can call on in my life. It’s disheartening to say the least and, it’s nothing like what my eight year old mind came up with.
I realize this post is supposed to explain things and it won’t. Write off your expectations. I was eight, living in a kitchenette with my two sisters and my mother and her boyfriend. One of us had to sleep on a lawn chair. The summers were hot, and I drew a lot of “I ❤ Jesus” pictures.
And, that’s all I can think about since July. I’m a scary emotional mess.
Taken by accident. Me, on the GO as usual. End of August, 2015.
“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my eyes and all is born again.”
~Sylvia Plath, “Mad Girl’s Love Song”
I unknowingly snapped this photo carrying my new cellphone in my hand. Not having a case for it, I was afraid it would slip out my flimsy back pocket. Instead of tucking it safely in my purse, I opted for clutching it with a death grip and here is the result!
What you see up close, it’s a shiny black button on my very worn and favorite black sweater. Black leggings & my pink & black plaid Airwalks (given to me by my cousin.) Despite what some people think, I’m not a very fancy girl. Life just doesn’t allow that at the moment.
I remember the days when I tried so damn hard to look good. All of the dieting, being angry, uncomfortable, the sweating, restrictive garments, expensive makeup, hairspray, glued eyelashes that wouldn’t stay on, tanning, getting tracks of hair sewed or glued to my head. The money, the heartache. I don’t miss it one bit.
Work is all consuming right now, work & well… naps. I’ve got 2 cats & J that require lots of attention and sleep. Reading too. Almost finished reading “Life of Pi” by Yann Martel. I’m really enjoying it and if I didn’t fall asleep as soon as I got comfortable, I just might finish the darn book! I’d rather read than do just about anything anymore. Especially if it involves snuggling with the cats or the big hairless cat that occupies my life.
I hope this finds you well friends, what are you reading?
More store bought decorations, before Halloween of 2014.
“Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.”
~Charles M. Schulz
I was never a good big sister. I was a mean big sister. Well, let me say I wasn’t always mean and I did love my sisters. Our parents were never around when we were small. My mother was a drunk at the time, and very busy with her “friends.” And my Dad, he was always away at work on the oil rig for weeks at a time. We were left alone a lot. Like, a lot.
I was supposed to be their protector, and I wasn’t. I stood by, and I didn’t take the correct course of actions. Sure, I was a kid too but.. I was the big sister.
When I moved back to Alaska, my sisters welcomed me. One invited me, and my sweet into her home. The other, she brought her baby for me to see and hold. I didn’t hold her baby. It was an assholish thing to do, or not do. I was afraid, and I made the wrong choice. Who doesn’t hold a baby? Me, the same big sister who didn’t make the right choices. The same big sister who didn’t speak out. The same big sister, who still to this day – cannot be a sister. Life’s lessons.
Halloween decoration, sold at the market amongst the flowers. September, 2014.
“Vanity plays lurid tricks with our memory.”
~Joseph Conrad
Ever had your memory play tricks on you? Remembering people more negatively or positively than they were during the course of your relationship with them? How about your own actions? Do you were rose colored glasses when looking at the past? Or are you wearing blinders?
I have done all of these. It’s funny how time can soften our thoughts & hearts. How somethings can be ingrained into our brains, and others just get fuzzy & vague. Every memory cannot glitter & sparkle. Which do we keep, which do we let go? Maybe, my brain just needs some polishing!
A vibrant red rose the size of a cabbage in McKinley Park, Sacramento California.
“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them;
sometimes they forgive them.” ~Oscar Wilde
In the late afternoon, on my birthday we went to McKinley park in Sacramento, California which has a poignant place in my memory. It is a secret marker, a milestone of sorts. It was important for me to return, and my daughter’s family made that happen.
We strolled around the pond first, we looked at and photographed trees (well I did) and we also got to introduce her (my Granddaughter) to some baby geese! Once she saw them, she was captivated! A lady jogger ran through them, getting close to the babies and taking photos on her cellphone. It was at that moment, my Granddaughter recognized that as bad and said “no,no, no!” It was adorable.
She and I held hands and walked around the roses. Each was a brand new gift of excitement and wonder to her. It was fantastic! She expressed in her youth and inexperience, just exactly how I still feel when I look at beautiful flowers. She didn’t want to walk on the grass, so we stuck to the paved pathways. This walk through a park, will also be one of the greatest times of my life and I am forever grateful.
Update: She’s conquered her hesitance towards the grass!
My European deli meal for my birthday! April 6, 2015 in Sacramento, California.
For my birthday my daughter flew me out of Alaska, and down to California! I hadn’t seen her in almost 8 years! She paid for my ticket so that I could meet my two wonderful Grandchildren. It was a major blessing, there are just no words to describe how incredible it was!
We went out with the babies in the stroller, and took a nice long walk around the neighborhood together. Visiting thrift stores, and a variety of shops. We came across two European deli markets and had a lot of fun looking at all the different foods, spices and other items. We picked up a jelly roll cake, a potted meat from Poland, a vegetable soup from Ukraine (I think) and some marinated mushrooms from behind the counter at one of the shops. I also bought myself a KINDER EGG! The prize was an adorable glow in the dark ghost holding a red & white lollipop! One of the grossest things I picked out were chocolates with alcohol like vodka in them! Eww lol!
The greatest thing about this meal, was that my daughter and granddaughter were so willing to eat the food and try new things with me! It made me really happy! I remember as my daughter got older, we didn’t sync anymore. I can’t blame her. During some of the most formative years of her life, I turned into a horrible selfish drunken sobbing mess. I had a mid-life crisis in my twenties!
Even with my past, and everything that I went through… she should have always been my priority! I should have made more effort! It’s a wound I cannot fix. It is there, and that time is lost. It is, what it is and no matter how sorry for it all that I am – it cannot be undone. So, to have her do something so wonderful and reach out to me. To bring me to her family, and to welcome me with open arms, and make the effort to eat a silly meal with me… was and always will be on of the greatest memories of my life! I am grateful.
Looking up the side of the cliff, Point Woronzof beach. Mid-April, 2015.
We each need to make peace with our own memories. We have all done things that make us flinch. ~Surya Das
Raven. 03/28/15
The world shrieks and sinks talons into our hearts.
This we call memory. ~Tim O’Brien, Tomcat in Love
A copy of an actual Polaroid of me as a child. I have next to nil photographs of my younger self. I was recently blessed to see this one and have someone save it for me.
Life has been well, busy lately. Training is in full effect at work (if you can call it that.) My schedule is currently all over the place. My biggest challenge is learning how to communicate with different personalities and overcoming language barriers, the rest will work itself out.
I’ve been meaning to write a post here for the last 4 days, but other things have taken priority – like naps after work. Since I’m up at 2 am to get ready for my shift and up till often 10 pm, trying to get quality time in with my sweet. Uploading and organizing thousands of more photographs from my cellphone, our camera and his cellphone has also been a primary task. How can I write posts with out a new photo? Oh, I guess I could but half my fun is sharing pictures from my daily life.
Thank you to y’all for coming by! I see your visits in my stats page and I appreciate you! Everything is going to smooth out real soon, just you wait and see 😀
Br0ken Girl Diaries 